rp | i need to question what i need

[aworldonfire]

The decision was a long-time coming, and probably not the best one he'd made lately, but none of the decisions he'd made in the last few months could be considered good, and what did he really have to lose, at this point? He'd already driven Foggy off, Elektra was dead, Stick was gone -- what was one more relationship lost to his bullshit? At least this way, Karen could hate him knowing. At least this way, she'd finally have the explanation she deserved and had deserved for a long time -- since before Elektra, maybe, or at least since right after.

Where ever Stick had gone off to after their impromptu service, he wondered if he was proud. This was it. This was the end of Matt Murdock's personal relationships. It was everything he'd wanted for him, everything he'd tried to beat into him as a child. It made him sick to think about.

Letting out a breath, he paused by the door to Nelson & Murdock (just Murdock, now, if he went back to law at all) and took a moment to steel himself, fingers spidering in and out of the paper of the bag tucked into his arm absently. When he felt steadier or at least braced for impact, the lines of his body tight, now, he pushed into the office and took a moment to fold up his cane, drop it into the chair by the door.

"What am I doing here, Matt?"

He took a handful of steps towards her, reaching into the bag as he went. "I, uh -- I have something."

He could feel her recoil. Logically, he shouldn't have been surprised, given all she'd just gone through (for all she knew, her former boss had finally snapped, for all she knew, he was about to pull a gun on her), but it still hurt. As did the stammered, "No, I don't want it," that followed.

He forced himself to stop, for both their sakes. "I have something that I need you to see."

Heart leaping into his throat in spite of himself, he closed a hand around the mask and forced himself to pull it out. He pushed it in her direction with shaking fingers, trying to ignore the way her heart seemed to start, stop, trying to ignore the look of surprise, horror, something else, he wasn't sure, that dawned on her face. He blew out a breath, instead.

"I'm Daredevil."

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[darkcxrners]

Karen gripped the mask tightly in her hands, her eyes never leaving his face. She was surprised and yet not all at the same time. It was a very confusing feeling.

"I knew it." Karen admitted.

"When you rescued us, when you rescued me again. I knew it. I just didn't want to believe it."

She didn't want to believe it because it just confirmed what she feared. That he was putting himself in danger.

"I knew you weren't a drunk. Or accident prone. I've seen the way you navigate around."

[aworldonfire]

"Yeah, I kind of -- I tipped my hand, there," Matt admitted. It hadn't really mattered, though, not in that moment. What had mattered was making sure she was safe, untouched by the Hand. For all that had happened with Elektra, the wedge he'd so neatly driven between the two of them beyond that, she still mattered. He still cared.

The look on his face probably conveyed that, too, even if he didn't say it.

Instead, he continued with, "Foggy's known for months, now. He's -- that wasn't my choice." Not like this was, now, though he wouldn't get into the circumstances of how Foggy had found out unless directly asked. He didn't want her to know he'd almost gotten himself killed; he wanted her to know that this hadn't been a trust thing. He hadn't told Foggy because he'd trusted him more than her. He wanted wanted to tell Foggy at all, for any number of reasons. "He wasn't happy."

[darkcxrners]

The dots started to connect. It was the question she was going to ask, if Foggy knew. It bothered her that they hadn't told her. That Matt hadn't told her. Not for the selfish reason that she would've liked to be included, but that they, he, felt she couldn't be trusted with the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me, Matt?"

[aworldonfire]

"Because I didn't think oh, by the way, I'm the guy who saved your life, last night was good water cooler conversation?" he shot back automatically, vague frustration building in his chest. Yeah, this was going just as well as he'd expected it would. He wouldn't take it back, even if he could, because again, she deserved the truth, but he'd apparently been holding onto some vague hope that even he hadn't been aware of until just now. Well, at least now he could get back to burning all of his bridges, he thought bitterly.

Shaking his head, he blew out a breath, and reached up to run his fingers through his hair.

"Sorry," he murmured when he dropped it. "That was unfair." A beat. "It wasn't an issue of trust, not -- not entirely. With Foggy, maybe, because he really wasn't the Man in the Black Mask's best friend, but ... " He shook his head again. "I didn't know where to start. I didn't want you wrapped up in all of this. Not like that. I've seen what happens when people get too close to this, to me." They ended up kidnapped by Russians and tortured for information, like Claire had been. "I thought that keeping you away from it would protect you."

He'd also thought that Karen might change her opinion on him, if she knew the truth. What if he'd told her and she'd been terrified of him, knowing that her seemingly innocent blind boss had serious anger management issues? What if she'd been disgusted, knowing that he called himself Catholic and then did that? That particular fear had lessened, knowing that she sided with Castle and what he was doing, but it was still there. There was a difference between who Frank was and what he did and who he was and what he did. Frank had his family and the war to justify what he did with his nights off, he had -- what, exactly?

Sometimes, even he didn't know. Sometimes, he doubted what he was doing, felt guilty for it, wrong.

[darkcxrners]

Karen is so tired of being coddled. They didn't know most of the shit she's gone through in her life. There are secrets she's kept from them too. Ones she could never share with anyone, ever. Things she was ashamed of. Things she felt guilty for.

"You have no idea-"

Karen inhaled deeply, her voice shaky.

"No idea what I am capable of handling, Matt."

[aworldonfire]

"Yeah? You do Russian mobsters on a regular basis? Apparently mythical ninjas, who, half the time, I can't track and very recently murdered a friend of mine while I stood there and watched?" He let out another breath, still frustrated, still trying to calm himself. "This isn't -- this isn't me being afraid to let you cross the street on your own. This is ... "

He couldn't finish. Karen had seen a lot, it was true, and he knew she'd dealt with more, before, even if he wouldn't ask, that her story to tell, in her own time, like this was his, but -- this was different. This surpassed any of that. This wasn't just muggers in dark alleys or any of the other dangers of the Kitchen. This was him, almost dead twice now, and he was supposed to be the professional here. This was holding Elektra in his arms while she did die.

[darkcxrners]

Have you killed Fisk's right hand man, Matt?

No?

Didn't think so.

"And how many times have I almost died since moving here, Matt?" She didn't believe she was invincible, she was just trying to prove that she could handle herself.

"Look-" Karen realizes she's still holding the mask and steps forward to hand it back to him. Her voice lower, softer.

"I'm sorry about your friend. I just wish you had been honest with me from the start. Instead of lying to me. Badly, might I add."

[aworldonfire]

He took the mask back, fingers tightening against the polymer of the thing hard enough to make his knuckles white for an instant before he relaxed. He took to all but fidgeting with it, after that, for want for something to do with his hands. That and, more importantly, the shift in Karen's tone did wonders for his building upset.

"Well, it's done." He lied to her. He couldn't take that back, either, and, as with telling her now, wouldn't have even if he could have. Maybe their relationship would be less tattered, but maybe Karen would also be dead. He'd take this over that. "And now you know."

[darkcxrners]

"Why? Why are you even telling me? You held off for this long."

Because Karen knew that she wouldn't ever be able to tell him the things she's done. The things she's seen.

"Are you actually even blind?" Because there was no possible explanation in her mind for him being able to do all of that while not being able to see.

[aworldonfire]

"I've ruined everything else good in my life." His law career. His relationship with Foggy. All of it. "I figured I'd finish the job."

There was a note of sarcasm to all of that, the last remnants of his lingering upset, and while he intended to go on after a pause for effect, a better answer was derailed by her question. He let it go, closing his eyes as tightly as he'd held onto the mask just a moment before, hurt in spite of himself. It was a logical question, given what his nightlife entailed, one Foggy had already asked, one he should be used to by now, but it still felt like a punch to the gut. He was a liar, yes, he'd give her that, but he wouldn't fake something like that. It would have been an insult to the disabled in much the same way Castle thought using PTSD as a defense was an insult to people actually suffering it.

"Yeah," he answered when he felt like he'd gotten his wind back. "It's -- complicated, but yeah."

[darkcxrners]

His words are like a stab in the gut. This was his way of giving up on her. On everything. She wouldn't let him. Not without a fight.

"Well I'm not going to be ruined by you, Matt." It's already too late for that. Her whole life had been ruined. He and Foggy were the only ones who've held her together this long. She was not giving up on them just as they hadn't given up on her.

"How do you do what you do then? Because the way you move..."

[aworldonfire]

Too late, indeed. Matt was pretty sure he'd already ruined Karen's life. He'd ruined all of them, as he said. He was, he was realizing, toxic. He hurt those he cared about, he got them killed, despite his best efforts, and --

He forced himself to stop there, shook his head again. He didn't address that particular part of her commentary, beyond.

"It's -- " he started again, searching for the words that had become sort of a script, these last few months, explaining things to Claire, again to Foggy. "I can hear really well. Feel things, like how the air moves around something that's stationary, or when someone moves. I know you saw Ben's old boss -- Ellison? -- earlier because I can smell his cologne on you." A beat. "And his scotch."

He flashed Karen a brief, wry smile.

"Put it all together, and it kind of -- it makes up for what I can't see."